Table for 1

I went out to dinner tonight alone like most nights. I usually get the same 'I'm sorry' look from the hostess when I answer their redundant question, 'How many?' Yes my answer is always 1, but what I really want to say is, 'do you see anyone else standing with me?! Just take me to a table without asking for once please!' But no, I smile and always say, 'table for 1'.

 Loneliness is a very painful thing. It's something you dont want to tell all your friends and family to really pray for because its a minor pain to most. It's not life threatening or devastating like cancer, losing your job, or your house burning down. But it is painful and it is real. 

Some of my friends and family have tried to give comfort by saying things like.... It will pass, it won't last forever, when you least expect it you'll meet someone, join a gym! I even had a pastor tell me to just be patient, that I'd eventually reap what I've sown. I believe all to be true, but none have become true to me personally.

Many friends that are mothers seem to say to me, 'if I had free time like you, even one day to myself!'...but as soon as they have it, they soon yearn to see how their kids or husbands are doing without them, and they have the previlage to go back. I don't have that option.

I try and keep myself as busy as I can by doing things for others, my church, my loved ones, but I still seem to find myself alone wherever I go. And being home alone is the hardest.

I'm not depressed, but still sad over it. I'm not happy about it but I still have joy in my life. My heart remains heavy without companionship. I've been lonely throughout most of my adult life, but now it seems to be the hardest I've ever experienced.

I'm only surviving it by the sustaining love of my Heavenly Father. His Spirit within me keeps me sane. But oh my heavy heart....the pain will pass, but loneliness still remains.

Sharing Jesus

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news! Romans 10:15

Snow Petals

Cherry Blossom tree, every morning I see, your petals so white but in the light, you quickly blossom to hues of sweet pale pinks. The wind blows softly and takes part of you away, but the memories you give me of the fresh Spring days last in my thoughts.

Night Sounds

I'm blogging from my IPhone. This is a first. :-) Well I am officially on Easter vacation. No work tomorrow and looking forward to a nice weekend ending with Easter service with family and friends at church early Sunday morning.

So as I sit here relaxing with my cat Buddy nuzzled at my side, I take in the night sounds. The meows of my other cat Jasper exploring through the house, the soft lull of the tv, and my most fav, the spontaneous blows of the train whistles and vibration of its passing.

Even though I live 'in town' the train gives me a sense of still being out in the country. Yeah not sure how to explain that but it just does. I'm sure most people get annoyed by the train or they just ignore and never really hear it. Well a day doesn't go by where I don't stop and listen. It just makes me smile every time. Oh the little things...

Obsessed with Avocado

This may be my dinner tonight! I have recently become obsessed with Avocados. Is that a bad thing? Surely not! Its green, yummy, a healthy fat, high in protein, sodium and cholesterol free....and classified as a FRUIT!
So I think this is a really good addition to my daily regimen. Instead of an apple and day, and avocado a day will be my daily dose of health!

So tonight an alligator pear please! :-)

This pretty much sums up how I'm trying to be.  I will not be discouraged or dismayed. I will endure, remain faithful to Christ, and keep hoping. I can never lose hope, never.

Time

I miss having the time to write down my thoughts....I use to keep a journal and was dedicated to writing in it almost daily. Did it for almost 15 years. But I haven't read them in quit some time. I know what's in them. A bunch of junk! But since I know what's there, I do know one thing. I've grown from those days and time has surely made a change in me. Thank the Lord!

So now in my busyness, I can't find the time to sit and write, and I really want to. I almost feel God needs me to.  I like where I am now in my life and mainly because its not just about me. Yes I am single. No husband, no children, but God keeps me busy doing the things I may not find the time to do otherwise. Somehow though, I need to find the time to write.....I'd have growing experiences, ah-ha moments, struggles God has walked me through.....  I need to write these things down. Not just for me, but hopefully for others that can be encouraged and uplifted, or maybe just to cause someone to chuckle at my ridiculousness.

So I'm hoping to start making the time to write, maybe once a week? Time will tell.....tick, tock.